After My Follow Up

Hey all,

  I went to the doctor on the 15th, and I am here to update you on my progress. My prescription has been increased from .5mg a week to .6mg.

I have now been on "T" for 6 weeks. In those 6 weeks, my blood pressure and pulse have become more "normal", I have gained 12 pounds and my Testosterone level went from a whooping 30 to 734. All in the FIRST month! =0)

 Other changes I have noticed, my voice is much deeper now. My upper body is beginning to "fill out," some of my T~shirts don't fit the same anymore and I need to buy a new binder as the one I have now is becoming too tight. I have also now officially grown out of any jeans smaller than a men's size 30 or 31 in the waist.I still sweat in my sleep but it's not nearly as bad. I have noticed a small change in my temper but nothing aggressive or mean at all. The only time I have been unable to control my temper was the day my script was increased. A few hours after my shot I felt anxious, annoyed by everything, my mind raced, my palms were sweaty and I felt like I was radiating heat. It didn't last long though, which I am thankful for because it was not pleasant. I called my brother in a panic because I wasn't sure how to deal with it, he walked me through a few things and informed me that I wasn't drinking enough water, so after 3 bottles of water and some sleep I was feeling a lot better. I called the doctor the next day to make sure all was ok and she reassured me that it was normal.

My appetite is still crazy, some days I am hungry all day long and others I don't eat as much. I am  also beginning to noticed that if I try to focus on too many things at one time, I forget small important details. To fix that I have been making it a point to write down important dates and times or I will forget them all together.

My first signs of facial hair have begun to come in. Right now it is just on the corners of my mouth and near my side burn area, but it's pretty much only "peach fuzz" at this point. Nothing to get to excited about yet, although it is slowly getting there. I have also started to grow hair on my stomach area which most would call the "happy trail." Nothing on the back or neck that I have noticed yet and no real changes in my leg or arm hair.

For the most part I am going by Jayson. Work still seems to be the only place I have an issue and it's only with a handful of people at this point.

I forgot to ask my doctor about the DHEA and vitamins while at my appointment. I may wait another week or so and then ask her. Just to see how my body reacts with my next shot. I don't want to boost my "T" level to high and become angry or mean. So we'll see what happens with that

Now for the more personal (and somewhat graphic information)

My sex drive has increased a little but not much, a few days before my shot is do my sex drive seems to increase dramatically. I am still very sensitive to both pain and pleasure. I am passing more as a male now and have begun to look into STP (stand to pee) devices as it is getting more and more uncomfortable to use the restroom in public places.

So that's where I stand at this point...6 weeks into my transition. I couldn't be happier with my progress at this point. I only hope it continues to be this amazing.

Until next time...love and peace

~Jayson~

Things I Have Learned

Hey all,

I've been doing a lot of research lately into "Natural" FtM transitioning and ways to boost testosterone production. I have a few friends that are transitioning using this method for different reasons.Some can not afford the hormone therapy and some are just more comfortable with not putting hormones in their body to begin with. So I thought I would put together some information for those of you looking into the more "natural" way.

PLEASE understand I am not a doctor nor do I pretend to know how these things will effect any one individual person. The soul purpose of this blog entry is to give some information that I have recently learned from both research and conversations with friends. I am in no way encouraging the change in life style or consumption of any supplement mentioned in this blog. With that said I hope the information I have learned helps.

Many people have asked many different questions about the type and dose of "T"(testosterone) that I'm on. So I thought I would give you some information on my individual dose. As of right now I am on a Testosterone Cypionate Injection 200 mg/ml. I take .5mg a week, my shot is done every Wed. usually in the morning time. It's an intramuscular injection which means it has to go deep into the muscle at the injection sight. I was told by my doctor to inject in the "fattest" part of my body and for those of you who know me, I don't have a whole lot of that lol so my shot as of right now goes in my butt cheek alternating sides each week. Alternating the sight of the shot is important to prevent thickening of the skin or hardening of the muscle if one spot is used to often. I have thought about attempting to use my thigh area just because it would be easier to handle the needle I think but I have yet to move to that area, why mess with something when what you are already doing is working just fine right? =0)

Testosterone Cypionate is the oil-soluble 17 (beta)- cyclopentylpropionate ester of the androgenic hormone testosterone(in non medical terms that means it is a certain "string" of the hormone naturally produced in a genetic males body). Because it's thicker it has to be injected slower or it hurts like a mofo and has to be injected with a 22 gauge needle.

Testosterone Cypionate is responsible for the growth and development of the male sex organs and maintenance of the secondary sex characteristics. It causes hair growth, vocal cord thickening, appetite changes, sex drive changes, changes in the red blood cell count, it effect both the good and the bad levels of cholesterol and fat distribution.

I have recently been looking into supplements that are on the market. Healthy ones of coarse and plan on bringing it up to my doctor tomorrow at my appointment. These supplements would serve as a boost in the level of testosterone I'm already taking. The key is not to boost it to high. There is an enzyme in the human body known as Aromatase who's main function is to turn unused testosterone into estrogen, so in my world that would be taking a step backwards. Know what I mean?

Some of the supplements I have come across are ZMA and DHEA both of which are over the counter vitamins that can be taken in accordance with a work out and diet regimen. The only down side I have seen is DHEA is not so gentle on the liver so in order to take it you must combine it with things like Flaxseed Oil and or Milk Thistle which are both used to basically clean out and protect the liver from toxin.

Diet wise I have learned that foods high in Zinc,vitamin B and magnesium are important in a "testosterone boosting diet" some of those foods would be things like:

Oysters, salmon and other fish

Almonds and nuts in general
Eggs
Milk

Yogurt

Cottage cheese

Broccoli

Celery

Red Meat

Chicken

Beans

Whole grains

Those types of foods added to a work out regimen I'm learning have been proven to boost testosterone levels. So like I said I am going to have a conversation with my doctor about adding supplements on top of my IM(intramuscular shot) dose of Testosterone Cypionate.

I hope this information has helped you understand a little bit more about testosterone. Like I said before I am not a doctor nor am I encouraging the consumption of anything I've listed above. I am simply sharing knowledge I myself have obtained. I will however encourage you to talk to your doctor before you begin taking anything weather you are transitioning naturally or with the use of hormone therapy.

Until next time...love and peace

~Jayson~

1 Month on T

Hey all it's been a while since I've had time to stop and update my blog so here I am! =0)...I don't have Internet at home right now so I am having to update from work. Bare with me I am working on the home Internet situation..ANYWAYS

The last month has been full of so many changes some big others small. My first month on T has been an exciting experience. As far as changes go, little by little they are coming along.

My voice is noticeably deeper on the phone I pass as male, and most of the time in public as well

I eat like a race horse(no really the amount of food I can put away is kinda disgusting) but in return I am slowly gaining weight. It may sound funny to you but to me it's progress, I can no longer fit into my size 28 jeans from the boys department. They are too tight around the waist.

My hips have  begun to narrow there for causing the shape of my torso to change ever so slightly. Some of my shirts don't fit as well in the shoulder area, but when I stand and look I don't really see a change in my shoulders.

Some have told me that my face is beginning to square out, I don't really see that either but maybe it's just me.

My sex drive is slowly increasing at gets worse 1-2 days before my shot is due. My level of sensitivity has drastically changed. I am far more sensitive to both pain and pleasure, which can be both good and bad lol.

My "period" or menstrual cycle was a week late and only lasted 5 days which is VERY unusual. It also wasn't nearly as painful this month..let's hope that was my last one! (wishful thinking huh =P)

The dysphoria of my chest has gotten much worse. Warm weather has been coming around here and there, so we decided to go swimming(in a heated pool). My normal "swim suit" consists of my captain Morgan board shorts (don't be jealous you know you want some!) and a sports bra. This time I wore a sports bra and a T~shirt. I walked into the pool area with some confidence but it slowly went away. There was a stranger there, who at first referred to me as "He" until I took my shirt off. Which shows me that I am beginning to pass more and more as a man, but some things still hold me back. I'm getting closer though..

I wrote this the other day in my journal and I would like to share it with you.....

Stand

Standing in the mirror

I see you breaking free

The man the world said

You would never be

Pushing from the shadows

Standing proud and strong

Don't give up now 

For you have waited so very long

They didn't believe when I said 

You truly haunted me

They said it was just another phase

Keep pushing for I have set you free

Be the unique man you are

The one you were created special to be

Never stop fighting and don't worry

One day they'll all see

In your eye's they'll see me

For the person I have always been

The one hidden so far away

The man deep with in

You are my heart

Mind, body and soul

Together we are a team

WE are in control

One day they'll see you

and remember it's still me

One day I will be you Jayson Lynn Gilliam

We will be free

The beginning of this transition has taught me many things, it has shown me just how strong I am going to have to be to go through this. I have lost a few "friends" and my grandparents on my father's side have stopped speaking to me. I knew in the beginning of this that I was going to lose a few people along the way, but you don't really realize how much it is going to hurt until it happens. Slowly one day at a time I have gotten over it and moved on. I only wish those that said they loved me for me, could have really meant it.

so that is my update. I will have picture of the "new me" soon..I hope all are doing well

until next time....love and peace

~Jayson~

T. Day has arrived!

Hey all it has been a while since I have had time to update things. Please forgive me for that. Yesterday officially marks my T. day! I received my first prescription. I am on .5mg once a week and have to use a 22 gauge needle to inject the T into my muscle. I won't lie I was scared, the moments of drawing the Testosterone from the bottle, looking at the needle and placing it to my skin was an adventure to say the least.

My brother Blake's girlfriend was the one to give me my first shot (bonding moment wouldn't you say lol) In a room full of some of the most important people in my life, the needle pierced my skin and in an instant my life changed forever. There is no going back now, I am finally on the road I have always dreamed of taking. I am blessed to have the people in my life that I do, I am honored that they were there to experience it with me. It is truly the beginning of the rest of my life. I am excited for the changes I will go through and for the adventures ahead of me.

The changing of my name is in the works, I have learned that will cost about $200. For the most part people have begun to call me Jason on a regular basis. The only place I really have any issue is at work and some of the members of my family.

I learned today that my grandparents have pretty much "disowned" me for lack of better words. I am to them a disappointment and in their words my father would not agree with my choices. It is sad to know that they can not approve of my lifestyle or the choices that I make. As my grandparents you would think they would want me to be happy with my life but i guess that is not as easy for them as I would have hoped it would be. 

so that is my update for now. I am going to start taking pictures and voice comparisons so that we can all watch my changes together...until next time..

Love and peace

~Jason~

Journey Poem

This is a poem that I stole from my adopted mother's blog. It hit home for me today so I thought I would share it with you...please enjoy.

LIFE IS A JOURNEY 

 

Birth is a beginning
and death a destination
And life is a journey:

From childhood to maturity
and youth to age;

From innocence to awareness
and ignorance to knowing;

From foolishness to desecration
and then perhaps to wisdom.

From weakness to strength or
from strength to weakness
and often back again;

From health to sickness
and we pray to health again.

From offense to forgiveness
from loneliness to love

from joy to gratitude
from pain to compassion

from grief to understanding
from fear to faith.

From defeat to defeat to defeat
until looking backwards or ahead

We see that victory lies not
at some high point along the way

but in having made the journey
step by step

a sacred pilgrimage.

Birth is a beginning

and death a destination

And life is a journey;

A sacred journey to life everlasting.

~~ Author Unknown ~~

until next time with love and peace..

~Jason~

Thanksgiving Time and questions

Now that Thanksgiving has come and gone I thought I would stop by to talk about my experience this year. I made a video on my Youtube channel which I encourage you to check out if you have time. Just type in toralynn1986 in the search bar and you should find me....anyways back to the subject at hand.

Thanksgiving this year was pretty cool. I unfortunately didn't get to spend a whole lot of it with my girlfriend and son because of various reasons but I did get to spend some time with them. My girlfriend spent the day with her family. When I went to drop her off I encountered a rather uncomfortable situation. Now some of her family has known me since before the beginning of my transition, therefor they know me as my birth name. I cringed at the sound of hearing "hi amber how are you" but I wore a smile and was polite. I was also introduced to family members I had not met yet as "amber". It was rather uncomfortable to say the least but I was stuck in a hard spot. How do you correct people that once knew you by one name and now know you by another? How do you explain and answer the questions of "why would you change your name."

After leaving Crystal's families house. I was off to spend Thanksgiving with my best friend Blake's family


Being invited to spend the day with Blake's family was a blessing. It was the first holiday I spent in a house full of people I had never met. From the time I walked in the door til the end of the day I was known as Jason. There was no discussion about my transition, there were no questions asked about my chosen name, I was simply accepted as Jason. It was very nice.

My biological family is still coming to terms with my decision to make this transition so phone calls home where rather interesting. They are all at different places as far as their comfort levels go at this point. Some have accepted my change and call me Jason, my mother calls me A.J. and some have not even come close to being able to accept it. I respect each of their comfort levels and try not to push the issue yet, hopefully someday they will all accept it, but for now it's a working progress.

So my question is how would you have dealt with that situation, when some people are ok with calling you by your chosen name and others can't let go of your birth name? Do you correct them? Or do you simply ignore it, cope and deal and move on? I am curious to know.

Until next time....love and peace

~Jason~

What Do You See?

What do you see

when you look at me

do you see the person inside

the one screaming to be free

Do you see me as a child

who got lost along the way

or do you see me for the

simple man I am today

Do you see me as before

have I forever changed your view

or do you see me on the outside and wonder

if my inner battle is even true

Do you see me cry out

begging God to help me

or do you see what you want

and think that I am crazy

Do you see me and wonder

if I'm just confused about life

or do have you opened your eyes yet

and noticed my strife

Do you see me as the same person

I've been for so long

or do you see the path I've chosen

and decide that it's wrong

Do you see me reaching out

to help you slowly understand me

or are you blinded by your own opinion

of who and how I should be

Do you see me cringe

when someone calls me "she"

or do you close your eyes and ignore it

because that's the way is "should" be

Do you see me and fear

I am doing something wrong

or do you look at me and see

Jason Gilliam standing strong

Please tell me, what do you see?