The last month has been full of so many changes some big others small. My first month on T has been an exciting experience. As far as changes go, little by little they are coming along.
My voice is noticeably deeper on the phone I pass as male, and most of the time in public as well
I eat like a race horse(no really the amount of food I can put away is kinda disgusting) but in return I am slowly gaining weight. It may sound funny to you but to me it's progress, I can no longer fit into my size 28 jeans from the boys department. They are too tight around the waist.
My hips have begun to narrow there for causing the shape of my torso to change ever so slightly. Some of my shirts don't fit as well in the shoulder area, but when I stand and look I don't really see a change in my shoulders.
Some have told me that my face is beginning to square out, I don't really see that either but maybe it's just me.
My sex drive is slowly increasing at gets worse 1-2 days before my shot is due. My level of sensitivity has drastically changed. I am far more sensitive to both pain and pleasure, which can be both good and bad lol.
My "period" or menstrual cycle was a week late and only lasted 5 days which is VERY unusual. It also wasn't nearly as painful this month..let's hope that was my last one! (wishful thinking huh =P)
The dysphoria of my chest has gotten much worse. Warm weather has been coming around here and there, so we decided to go swimming(in a heated pool). My normal "swim suit" consists of my captain Morgan board shorts (don't be jealous you know you want some!) and a sports bra. This time I wore a sports bra and a T~shirt. I walked into the pool area with some confidence but it slowly went away. There was a stranger there, who at first referred to me as "He" until I took my shirt off. Which shows me that I am beginning to pass more and more as a man, but some things still hold me back. I'm getting closer though..
I wrote this the other day in my journal and I would like to share it with you.....
Stand
Standing in the mirror
I see you breaking free
The man the world said
You would never be
Pushing from the shadows
Standing proud and strong
Don't give up now
For you have waited so very long
They didn't believe when I said
You truly haunted me
They said it was just another phase
Keep pushing for I have set you free
Be the unique man you are
The one you were created special to be
Never stop fighting and don't worry
One day they'll all see
In your eye's they'll see me
For the person I have always been
The one hidden so far away
The man deep with in
You are my heart
Mind, body and soul
Together we are a team
WE are in control
One day they'll see you
and remember it's still me
One day I will be you Jayson Lynn Gilliam
We will be free
The beginning of this transition has taught me many things, it has shown me just how strong I am going to have to be to go through this. I have lost a few "friends" and my grandparents on my father's side have stopped speaking to me. I knew in the beginning of this that I was going to lose a few people along the way, but you don't really realize how much it is going to hurt until it happens. Slowly one day at a time I have gotten over it and moved on. I only wish those that said they loved me for me, could have really meant it.
so that is my update. I will have picture of the "new me" soon..I hope all are doing well
until next time....love and peace
~Jayson~
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