Coming Unbound

Hey all,

 I posted a video on my youtube channel the other day that covered this very topic but then remembered not everyone watches my videos so I came here to post my newest breakthrough...Friday was a big step for me in my transition. As many of you know we fight with different types and severity levels of dysphoria when it comes to our bodies. My battle in particular is my chest. Although small(actually much smaller than most) it is still VERY feminine...which can sometimes be a hassle. For years I have worn simply a sports bra and been just fine. It wasn't until my transition began last Nov. that I looked into other ways of binding and have tried several different things.

On the way to the local Swap meet with my girlfriend this past weekend I realized I had gone a majority of the day with nothing more than an undershirt and a T~shirt on. For the first time in my life I was without a sports bra or a binder. I wondered how well my "passing" would go once we made it to our destination and for a brief moment felt very uncomfortable. I reminded myself that I was making steps toward my transition and although this one seemed like a small one it was larger than I thought.

As we arrived at the swap meet, I began to forget about me not wearing a binder and just focused on spending time with my girlfriend Ashlynn, my roommate Mando, his mom and Ziva my pup...We cruised the isles looking at junk, cars and furniture. We played with toys, talked to people and fought over who was guilty for finishing off the water bottle without sharing. Overall we had fun.

While walking with Ashlynn and Ziva we were approached by a group of teenage girls, they wanted to tell me that their friend thought I was  "hot" and wanted to know if she could have my number. lol respectfully I declined and they ran away. In the back of my mind all I could think was that I truly am passing and becoming one with my own body. I wore a grin from ear to ear for a majority of the night and even called a few friends to tell them about my experience.

So I am here to tell you that we all battle with the same things, when someone looks at us we often wonder what they are looking at or what they are looking for. Just remember that we are in this battle together. Always remember to be who you were created to be, step outside of your comfort zone and reach for the stars. It may not always be the most comfortable thing in the world, but once you know you have achieved yet another milestone in your transition you will feel the same joy I felt Friday night walking hand in hand with the woman of my dreams, completely raw unbound and vulnerable to the world around me.

I hope that give you a little bit of encouragement. I will see you again soon

Until next time love and peace

~Jayson~

Lookin Good

Hey all,

 How is everyone doing....I know, I know I'm slackin over here when it comes to writing but give a man a break would ya! =P Life has been crazy busy lately but that's a good thing in my book.

I am slowly preparing for my Prelim. Yes ladies and gentlemen yours truly is running for the title of  Mr. King of the Desert USofA MI 2011!!(try saying that 5 times fast... NOT) The categories are Talent(which I think I have some of), Interview(where we get to talk about ME), Evening wear(which I get to wear a badass suit and look sexy doing it) and creative evening wear(which is not judged but if it was I would so win!) If I win I will be crowned King of the Desert by my brother Romeo White who is the current title holder and I will also guarantee myself a spot at nationals..yup this is serious business yo! So wish me luck and if you would like to sponsor me or know someone that would like to sponsor me(cause this stuff is EXPENSIVE) let me know! I would greatly appreciate it!

Outside of performing I have been working a lot. Still trying to get off of night shift but that doesn't look like it is going to happen anytime soon. In June our new facility will be open and we will be moving once again(that makes 3 times in one year). Most of us are excited to get into our new building and begin the new journey our company has planned for us. Others are jumping ship before all the madness goes down lol.

Other than work and performing I have been spending time with my new girlfriend Ashlynn. Getting to know her and taking things one day at a time has been an amazing journey, and it's still just beginning. She is a 21 year old Medical Assistant that works with people who have developmental disabilities. She is hilarious, we spend much of our time laughing at each other or stupid things. She deals with my immature wresting moments and actually fights back with some force(she's dangerous)..the on going slug bug war is a dangerous one not gunna lie, problem for me is her mom is good at it to and she beats me up...are you feeling my pain here people?? =P I have found acceptance in her family, like I never expected. They are a crazy bunch of people but I fit right in that is for sure. It's taking them some time to wrap their minds around the whole "transgendered thing" but they are learning and I am willing to be patient to help them understand. I couldn't ask for more and can't wait to see what the future holds for her and I. Together we are imperfectly perfect and we are learning to make it work.

Update as far as my transition goes.....

I am at a solid 115 pounds..WOOT WOOT...when I started "T" five months ago I weighted a whooping 94 1/2 pounds! I am filling out in the face and upper body. I have gained some pretty consistent and noticeable muscle mass in my arms, shoulders, and  back. I have also started working out and really trying to focus on putting more protein in my diet. That will help me continue to bulk up.

As far as Hair growth goes, I have begun to grow more hair on my legs and stomach. My facial hair has finally started to come in, but nothing crazy noticeable yet...progress people...progress lol.

My voice still continues to change and crack from time to time. Yeah Karaoke is STILL out of the question for me lol. But I am enjoying watching the change

My sex drive is about the same...... crazy intense all the effin time! It's at it's worst 1-2 days before my next shot is due. I was told at my last appointment that in July my doctor will give me my letter to change my name legally WOOT WOOT that's like 2 months people!!

A great milestone has taken place though. I am now actively going by "Jayson" at work. I brought it up to my management and a formal e~mail was sent out to the company. I never expected to get any response back from any of them but they have been amazingly supportive in the whole situation. Here's the E~mail that was sent out to my co workers.(maybe it will help you if you ever have to write one)...

Fellow Desert Hope Employees,

 As many of you already know I have been undergoing hormone therapy treatments in my female to male transition. I am almost 6^th months into these treatments now so I am taking the next step in my transition.  Effective immediately I would like to be referred to as Jayson here within the facility, especially in direct client care areas. Please understand that I am not asking you to accept my transition or to compromise your own personal morals in any way, I am simply asking you to respect my decision as I respect each and every one of you. At this point as I begin to “pass” more as a male on a regular basis this is not only a step in my transition but also a safety issue for myself. I have encountered a few moments of client confusion when it comes to this situation so it is being addressed now before my transition goes any further. Please understand I will not be offended if called Amber because it is a gradual change for everyone, but please be aware that I will make corrections as needed. I have already met with Carol on this matter and HR has been notified of this change. Thank you for your consideration on this matter and if anyone has any questions at all please feel free to ask me as I am open to helping anyone understand this delicate situation.

Sincerely

~Jayson~

Pretty amazing huh?!?! So that's life in my world these days.....I hope all are doing well and I PROMISE I will be back to post pictures soon!

Until next time love and peace

~Jayson~

I'm still alive!!!

Hey all I'm back...life has been a little crazy lately but I am still alive! So here's an update

I am newly single and have decided that maybe it's just best to be a single transguy living with a drag queen, 2 cats and a dog lol....I am doing a lot of soul searching and working on bettering myself. I have been performing more and enjoy every minuet of it. I performed open shirt for the first time last night and it was the most liberating feeling I've had in a while(aside from going swimming at night without a shirt on)

An update on my transition progress....

I have gained 18 pounds. I am filling out in the face and having a small amount of facial hair grow in. I also have hair growing in on my stomach that is blond so hard to notice. My appetite has leveled out. Some days I eat more than others but that's normal for anyone....I no longer have a period but sometimes get cramps like my period is going to come. Although it never does. My voice is much deeper than it used to be and my "Adam's apple" is more noticeable. My sex drive has increased(which doesn't help being single!!) A few days before my shot is do is when it is at it's worst. My chest dysphoria has also gotten worse but the "T" has increased my muscle mass above my "breasts" they are beginning to look like pecks almost.(Hard to explain)...it's getting easier and easier to do my shot by myself. It doesn't take me as much time to talk myself into it lol. I am beginning to pass as a male almost on a regular basis. I was at a local bar yesterday preparing for a show, was having meaningless conversation with the guy in charge of the lights, he thought I was male until I told him I would be performing in the show as a drag king....he looked a bit confused for a moment but quickly understood.

Binding wise I don't bind as much anymore. I have begun to transition into just layering t~shirts. I bought my first "packer" yesterday. I'm not sure if I will be wearing it on a regular basis yet. It takes some getting used to at first, not gunna  lie. But it has helped alot with other forms of dysphoria I've been dealing with.

so that is my update at this point. I am doing my best to get Internet at home and as soon as I do I will be updating my entries with pictures and videos. I hope all are doing well!!!

Until next time...love and peace

~Jayson~

After My Follow Up

Hey all,

  I went to the doctor on the 15th, and I am here to update you on my progress. My prescription has been increased from .5mg a week to .6mg.

I have now been on "T" for 6 weeks. In those 6 weeks, my blood pressure and pulse have become more "normal", I have gained 12 pounds and my Testosterone level went from a whooping 30 to 734. All in the FIRST month! =0)

 Other changes I have noticed, my voice is much deeper now. My upper body is beginning to "fill out," some of my T~shirts don't fit the same anymore and I need to buy a new binder as the one I have now is becoming too tight. I have also now officially grown out of any jeans smaller than a men's size 30 or 31 in the waist.I still sweat in my sleep but it's not nearly as bad. I have noticed a small change in my temper but nothing aggressive or mean at all. The only time I have been unable to control my temper was the day my script was increased. A few hours after my shot I felt anxious, annoyed by everything, my mind raced, my palms were sweaty and I felt like I was radiating heat. It didn't last long though, which I am thankful for because it was not pleasant. I called my brother in a panic because I wasn't sure how to deal with it, he walked me through a few things and informed me that I wasn't drinking enough water, so after 3 bottles of water and some sleep I was feeling a lot better. I called the doctor the next day to make sure all was ok and she reassured me that it was normal.

My appetite is still crazy, some days I am hungry all day long and others I don't eat as much. I am  also beginning to noticed that if I try to focus on too many things at one time, I forget small important details. To fix that I have been making it a point to write down important dates and times or I will forget them all together.

My first signs of facial hair have begun to come in. Right now it is just on the corners of my mouth and near my side burn area, but it's pretty much only "peach fuzz" at this point. Nothing to get to excited about yet, although it is slowly getting there. I have also started to grow hair on my stomach area which most would call the "happy trail." Nothing on the back or neck that I have noticed yet and no real changes in my leg or arm hair.

For the most part I am going by Jayson. Work still seems to be the only place I have an issue and it's only with a handful of people at this point.

I forgot to ask my doctor about the DHEA and vitamins while at my appointment. I may wait another week or so and then ask her. Just to see how my body reacts with my next shot. I don't want to boost my "T" level to high and become angry or mean. So we'll see what happens with that

Now for the more personal (and somewhat graphic information)

My sex drive has increased a little but not much, a few days before my shot is do my sex drive seems to increase dramatically. I am still very sensitive to both pain and pleasure. I am passing more as a male now and have begun to look into STP (stand to pee) devices as it is getting more and more uncomfortable to use the restroom in public places.

So that's where I stand at this point...6 weeks into my transition. I couldn't be happier with my progress at this point. I only hope it continues to be this amazing.

Until next time...love and peace

~Jayson~

Things I Have Learned

Hey all,

I've been doing a lot of research lately into "Natural" FtM transitioning and ways to boost testosterone production. I have a few friends that are transitioning using this method for different reasons.Some can not afford the hormone therapy and some are just more comfortable with not putting hormones in their body to begin with. So I thought I would put together some information for those of you looking into the more "natural" way.

PLEASE understand I am not a doctor nor do I pretend to know how these things will effect any one individual person. The soul purpose of this blog entry is to give some information that I have recently learned from both research and conversations with friends. I am in no way encouraging the change in life style or consumption of any supplement mentioned in this blog. With that said I hope the information I have learned helps.

Many people have asked many different questions about the type and dose of "T"(testosterone) that I'm on. So I thought I would give you some information on my individual dose. As of right now I am on a Testosterone Cypionate Injection 200 mg/ml. I take .5mg a week, my shot is done every Wed. usually in the morning time. It's an intramuscular injection which means it has to go deep into the muscle at the injection sight. I was told by my doctor to inject in the "fattest" part of my body and for those of you who know me, I don't have a whole lot of that lol so my shot as of right now goes in my butt cheek alternating sides each week. Alternating the sight of the shot is important to prevent thickening of the skin or hardening of the muscle if one spot is used to often. I have thought about attempting to use my thigh area just because it would be easier to handle the needle I think but I have yet to move to that area, why mess with something when what you are already doing is working just fine right? =0)

Testosterone Cypionate is the oil-soluble 17 (beta)- cyclopentylpropionate ester of the androgenic hormone testosterone(in non medical terms that means it is a certain "string" of the hormone naturally produced in a genetic males body). Because it's thicker it has to be injected slower or it hurts like a mofo and has to be injected with a 22 gauge needle.

Testosterone Cypionate is responsible for the growth and development of the male sex organs and maintenance of the secondary sex characteristics. It causes hair growth, vocal cord thickening, appetite changes, sex drive changes, changes in the red blood cell count, it effect both the good and the bad levels of cholesterol and fat distribution.

I have recently been looking into supplements that are on the market. Healthy ones of coarse and plan on bringing it up to my doctor tomorrow at my appointment. These supplements would serve as a boost in the level of testosterone I'm already taking. The key is not to boost it to high. There is an enzyme in the human body known as Aromatase who's main function is to turn unused testosterone into estrogen, so in my world that would be taking a step backwards. Know what I mean?

Some of the supplements I have come across are ZMA and DHEA both of which are over the counter vitamins that can be taken in accordance with a work out and diet regimen. The only down side I have seen is DHEA is not so gentle on the liver so in order to take it you must combine it with things like Flaxseed Oil and or Milk Thistle which are both used to basically clean out and protect the liver from toxin.

Diet wise I have learned that foods high in Zinc,vitamin B and magnesium are important in a "testosterone boosting diet" some of those foods would be things like:

Oysters, salmon and other fish

Almonds and nuts in general
Eggs
Milk

Yogurt

Cottage cheese

Broccoli

Celery

Red Meat

Chicken

Beans

Whole grains

Those types of foods added to a work out regimen I'm learning have been proven to boost testosterone levels. So like I said I am going to have a conversation with my doctor about adding supplements on top of my IM(intramuscular shot) dose of Testosterone Cypionate.

I hope this information has helped you understand a little bit more about testosterone. Like I said before I am not a doctor nor am I encouraging the consumption of anything I've listed above. I am simply sharing knowledge I myself have obtained. I will however encourage you to talk to your doctor before you begin taking anything weather you are transitioning naturally or with the use of hormone therapy.

Until next time...love and peace

~Jayson~

1 Month on T

Hey all it's been a while since I've had time to stop and update my blog so here I am! =0)...I don't have Internet at home right now so I am having to update from work. Bare with me I am working on the home Internet situation..ANYWAYS

The last month has been full of so many changes some big others small. My first month on T has been an exciting experience. As far as changes go, little by little they are coming along.

My voice is noticeably deeper on the phone I pass as male, and most of the time in public as well

I eat like a race horse(no really the amount of food I can put away is kinda disgusting) but in return I am slowly gaining weight. It may sound funny to you but to me it's progress, I can no longer fit into my size 28 jeans from the boys department. They are too tight around the waist.

My hips have  begun to narrow there for causing the shape of my torso to change ever so slightly. Some of my shirts don't fit as well in the shoulder area, but when I stand and look I don't really see a change in my shoulders.

Some have told me that my face is beginning to square out, I don't really see that either but maybe it's just me.

My sex drive is slowly increasing at gets worse 1-2 days before my shot is due. My level of sensitivity has drastically changed. I am far more sensitive to both pain and pleasure, which can be both good and bad lol.

My "period" or menstrual cycle was a week late and only lasted 5 days which is VERY unusual. It also wasn't nearly as painful this month..let's hope that was my last one! (wishful thinking huh =P)

The dysphoria of my chest has gotten much worse. Warm weather has been coming around here and there, so we decided to go swimming(in a heated pool). My normal "swim suit" consists of my captain Morgan board shorts (don't be jealous you know you want some!) and a sports bra. This time I wore a sports bra and a T~shirt. I walked into the pool area with some confidence but it slowly went away. There was a stranger there, who at first referred to me as "He" until I took my shirt off. Which shows me that I am beginning to pass more and more as a man, but some things still hold me back. I'm getting closer though..

I wrote this the other day in my journal and I would like to share it with you.....

Stand

Standing in the mirror

I see you breaking free

The man the world said

You would never be

Pushing from the shadows

Standing proud and strong

Don't give up now 

For you have waited so very long

They didn't believe when I said 

You truly haunted me

They said it was just another phase

Keep pushing for I have set you free

Be the unique man you are

The one you were created special to be

Never stop fighting and don't worry

One day they'll all see

In your eye's they'll see me

For the person I have always been

The one hidden so far away

The man deep with in

You are my heart

Mind, body and soul

Together we are a team

WE are in control

One day they'll see you

and remember it's still me

One day I will be you Jayson Lynn Gilliam

We will be free

The beginning of this transition has taught me many things, it has shown me just how strong I am going to have to be to go through this. I have lost a few "friends" and my grandparents on my father's side have stopped speaking to me. I knew in the beginning of this that I was going to lose a few people along the way, but you don't really realize how much it is going to hurt until it happens. Slowly one day at a time I have gotten over it and moved on. I only wish those that said they loved me for me, could have really meant it.

so that is my update. I will have picture of the "new me" soon..I hope all are doing well

until next time....love and peace

~Jayson~

T. Day has arrived!

Hey all it has been a while since I have had time to update things. Please forgive me for that. Yesterday officially marks my T. day! I received my first prescription. I am on .5mg once a week and have to use a 22 gauge needle to inject the T into my muscle. I won't lie I was scared, the moments of drawing the Testosterone from the bottle, looking at the needle and placing it to my skin was an adventure to say the least.

My brother Blake's girlfriend was the one to give me my first shot (bonding moment wouldn't you say lol) In a room full of some of the most important people in my life, the needle pierced my skin and in an instant my life changed forever. There is no going back now, I am finally on the road I have always dreamed of taking. I am blessed to have the people in my life that I do, I am honored that they were there to experience it with me. It is truly the beginning of the rest of my life. I am excited for the changes I will go through and for the adventures ahead of me.

The changing of my name is in the works, I have learned that will cost about $200. For the most part people have begun to call me Jason on a regular basis. The only place I really have any issue is at work and some of the members of my family.

I learned today that my grandparents have pretty much "disowned" me for lack of better words. I am to them a disappointment and in their words my father would not agree with my choices. It is sad to know that they can not approve of my lifestyle or the choices that I make. As my grandparents you would think they would want me to be happy with my life but i guess that is not as easy for them as I would have hoped it would be. 

so that is my update for now. I am going to start taking pictures and voice comparisons so that we can all watch my changes together...until next time..

Love and peace

~Jason~