Journey Poem

This is a poem that I stole from my adopted mother's blog. It hit home for me today so I thought I would share it with you...please enjoy.

LIFE IS A JOURNEY 

 

Birth is a beginning
and death a destination
And life is a journey:

From childhood to maturity
and youth to age;

From innocence to awareness
and ignorance to knowing;

From foolishness to desecration
and then perhaps to wisdom.

From weakness to strength or
from strength to weakness
and often back again;

From health to sickness
and we pray to health again.

From offense to forgiveness
from loneliness to love

from joy to gratitude
from pain to compassion

from grief to understanding
from fear to faith.

From defeat to defeat to defeat
until looking backwards or ahead

We see that victory lies not
at some high point along the way

but in having made the journey
step by step

a sacred pilgrimage.

Birth is a beginning

and death a destination

And life is a journey;

A sacred journey to life everlasting.

~~ Author Unknown ~~

until next time with love and peace..

~Jason~

Thanksgiving Time and questions

Now that Thanksgiving has come and gone I thought I would stop by to talk about my experience this year. I made a video on my Youtube channel which I encourage you to check out if you have time. Just type in toralynn1986 in the search bar and you should find me....anyways back to the subject at hand.

Thanksgiving this year was pretty cool. I unfortunately didn't get to spend a whole lot of it with my girlfriend and son because of various reasons but I did get to spend some time with them. My girlfriend spent the day with her family. When I went to drop her off I encountered a rather uncomfortable situation. Now some of her family has known me since before the beginning of my transition, therefor they know me as my birth name. I cringed at the sound of hearing "hi amber how are you" but I wore a smile and was polite. I was also introduced to family members I had not met yet as "amber". It was rather uncomfortable to say the least but I was stuck in a hard spot. How do you correct people that once knew you by one name and now know you by another? How do you explain and answer the questions of "why would you change your name."

After leaving Crystal's families house. I was off to spend Thanksgiving with my best friend Blake's family


Being invited to spend the day with Blake's family was a blessing. It was the first holiday I spent in a house full of people I had never met. From the time I walked in the door til the end of the day I was known as Jason. There was no discussion about my transition, there were no questions asked about my chosen name, I was simply accepted as Jason. It was very nice.

My biological family is still coming to terms with my decision to make this transition so phone calls home where rather interesting. They are all at different places as far as their comfort levels go at this point. Some have accepted my change and call me Jason, my mother calls me A.J. and some have not even come close to being able to accept it. I respect each of their comfort levels and try not to push the issue yet, hopefully someday they will all accept it, but for now it's a working progress.

So my question is how would you have dealt with that situation, when some people are ok with calling you by your chosen name and others can't let go of your birth name? Do you correct them? Or do you simply ignore it, cope and deal and move on? I am curious to know.

Until next time....love and peace

~Jason~

What Do You See?

What do you see

when you look at me

do you see the person inside

the one screaming to be free

Do you see me as a child

who got lost along the way

or do you see me for the

simple man I am today

Do you see me as before

have I forever changed your view

or do you see me on the outside and wonder

if my inner battle is even true

Do you see me cry out

begging God to help me

or do you see what you want

and think that I am crazy

Do you see me and wonder

if I'm just confused about life

or do have you opened your eyes yet

and noticed my strife

Do you see me as the same person

I've been for so long

or do you see the path I've chosen

and decide that it's wrong

Do you see me reaching out

to help you slowly understand me

or are you blinded by your own opinion

of who and how I should be

Do you see me cringe

when someone calls me "she"

or do you close your eyes and ignore it

because that's the way is "should" be

Do you see me and fear

I am doing something wrong

or do you look at me and see

Jason Gilliam standing strong

Please tell me, what do you see?

In a Bind

Hey all,

So I thought I would stop by to update everyone on the last few days....My binder came in on Thursday. I was excited to see the name "Jason Gilliam" on the shipping label and excited to open it. My girlfriend took pictures as I ripped open the package revealing my binder inside. I was on cloud 9...After wiggling my way into my new binder I quickly realized it wasn't going to give me the result I was looking for. Now mind you I don't have a large chest but that style of binder is just not the right one of me. It doesn't do much up top and is more like a skin tight "wife beater" T~shirt then anything else. So I am back to layering clothes and wearing the maternity support belt around my chest. I will not give up though. Sooner or later I will find the right fit for me until I can save up enough to have them removed all together.


On Friday I had a conversation with someone very dear to me...She is having trouble wrapping her mind around the idea of me going from Amber to Jason....The thought of me taking hormones(testosterone) and having surgeries(top surgery and hysterectomy) scare her. Only because she loves me so much. I respect her opinion very much and wish I knew how to make this transition easier on her, the only thing I know to do is pray for her. Pray that she in her own time comes to a place where she can accept this change, embrace the person I am becoming and move forward loving me. I pray to God I don't lose her or her family, they mean more to me then I could ever put into words. I have told her and I will tell all of you following this transition, I would never do anything I haven't put thought and prayer into. This process is a long and slow one that I know, but I assure you it is a safe one.

Change is never easy for anyone to accept. As I have said before the fear of the unknown is a scary thing. I am moving forward not on my own but with many people by my side. I am well informed and have spent hours making sure that the next step I take is always the best and safest one. I have a doctors appointment set for December 8th. but I will talk more about it when it gets closer. For now things are falling into place one step at a time and I have binders to research cause I'm going to need a new one at some point lol.

until next time....love and peace

~Jason~

Breaking through

Dying just to hear the word he

Reminded constantly that he was born a she

As he looks in the mirror

The pictures in his head become clearer

That the person inside

The one screaming and crying

That voice that laughs at him, tells him he'll never be

but proudly he'll stand, a man, you'll see

~Written by Crystal~

While talking with my partner Crystal tonight she chose to share with me a piece she had written. It is short but I can feel comes from her heart as we continue on this journey to making my transition complete.When I listened to her read it and then I read it again myself, I can not help but have tear fill my eyes. I can not express enough how lucky I am to have someone standing beside me willing to understand me and help be my support in this uncertain time. 

I say uncertain only because life is full of changes, but these are big changes. With change comes fear. Fear of the unknown, of the effect it will have on me and the ones around me. But together we are facing fear head on and moving forward strong.

A few updates....

my binder was shipped today WOOT WOOT and is somewhere in between Florida and here..I am excited. 

A doctors appointment has been made, but I will talk more about that when the time gets closer.

 

Crystal also marks this day as a "breakthrough" because today while at the mall I made a decision that was almost scary in a way. We were waiting for our movie to start and I felt the need to use the restroom...now most of the time it would be like second nature to simply walk into a public restroom, claim a stall, take care of business, wash your hands and leave. For transgendered people like myself that is not always as easy as it sounds. How do you walk into a female restroom looking like a man, and how do you walk into a men's restroom knowing there may be one guy in there that pays a little more attention then all the others.  But never the less nature called and I did what I had to. Heart racing, palms sweaty I walked into the men's room, past a man standing at the sink and into a stall closest to the door (in case I had to run). Now this may seem like a funny story but it's not. It's reality. I entered the stall, did what I needed to, washed my hands and left the restroom with no problems. Upon exiting I realized how nice it is to be able to simply use the restroom without being questioned,harassed or stared at. You must realize in life some of the things that seem so natural to you, are the ones you take for granted.

until next time....love and peace

~Jason~

What Lies Beneath

Ok so in this post I would like to share a few things with you. For those that think being a FtM(female to male) transgendered person is easy..I encourage you to to look into it, research a little and you will see just how hard it truly is. Finding a good doctor you can trust is hard, being accepted in society is hard, using a public restroom is hard, and showing an ID that clearly has a different name and picture on it is even harder....

Right now I have my old DL from California...In the picture you can see me before I cut my hair off, without glasses(because they make you remove them before the picture) and my birth name of Amber. So when I show up to a bar, gas station or public establishment and swipe my card. I am almost always questioned because of the differences between me and the person shown on my license. That will soon be changed, my goal is by my 25th birthday on September 10th 2011, to have it all changed. There are a few things that need to happen first lol...one small step at a time ladies and gentle beings =0)

The second thing I would like to talk about is Binding.....yes I said binding. Which is where you stick your chesticles(yes boobs) into a very tight space and make them as flat as possible to wear under a tight shirt, or to simply "pass" as a man. It's hard to explain looking like a man with boobs (trust me not a fun conversation). Now I'm not saying I have the biggest chest in the world because clearly I do not, but hiding what I do have is a task in itself.

Up to this point I have tried;

1.) Packing tape~Yeah that hurt like a mofo to put on AND take off...I wouldn't not recommend that one

2.) Ace Bandage~ While that one wasn't as painful, the ability to breathe was completely cut off. If you want to be able to get oxygen into your lungs I would suggest not binding with an ace bandage.

3.) Sports Bra~ Not 1 but 3...in layers they seem to help with binding a little...problem with this method is laundry gets a lot more expensive for 1 and 2 wearing 5 layers of clothing (i.e 3 sports bras, under shirt, and top shirt) gets a little old.

4.) Maternity Support belt~ Now hear me out on this one!!! As odd as that may sound it WORKS...but as a temporary fix to solve your problem. I would not recommend wearing it for extended amounts of time as it does cause irritation to the back. Although it is much easier to breathe and the rang of motion is not effected, it is still only a temporary fix.

Today I ordered my first actual chest binder from www.underworks.com ....It should be coming in the mail in a few days. I spent quite some time going over reviews for the different binders that this company sells and some of the top ones were the 473,983, 997, and the 998 models. For my first binder I chose the model 473 which is very similar to the 998 tank model. So in a few days I will let you know how that goes.

So enough about binding for now!!! =P

Something else pretty awesome in my world also happened this evening. My partner Crystal and I are how do I say this.....ADDICTED to Facebook..lol....She was surfing her site this evening playing a game...The rules of the game were her friends could as her any question no matter what and she would answer it as her status....well this is a question one friend asked...

Q: Why are you dating an girl that wants to be a man, but are claiming to be gay?

and this was her answer...

Answer :All I got to say I am a little taken back by this question..a little offended..maybe its the way they worded it. Okay...First off I am NOT dating a girl who WANTS to be a man, I am dating a MAN trapped in a females body.There is a difference. Second off, Who invents these damn labels?? I don't have to be anybody but ME and I'll date who I want, whether they be a girl or a guy. Third off, I suggest you look up Transgendered, Google it. :)

When she told me about that I was in shock...first off at the question, I know I've been asked a lot of random questions up to this point and so has Crystal. That question was just very complex, which lead to my shock at her answer. I will be honest when I read her answer I grinned from ear to ear. Not only is Crystal proud to be who she is, but she is also proud to call me hers and is truly begining to understands me. Yeah we still have our moments from time to time, but the more we sit and research and learn together, the closer we become. I couldn't ask for more.

So stay tuned, when I receive my binder I will do another post just to let you know how it works out...I may even post a picture or 2 =0)...

Until next time....love and peace

~Jason~

Inside Out

   Let me introduce you to someone I have known for a very long time. We have shared many memories together, fought many battles and seen many things. Yet we have very little in common. This person's name is Dysphoria. We have lived together for 24 years, and let me tell you it has not been easy. Dysphoria is the voice within me that screams in my dreams, the one that laughs as I stare at myself in an old picture or even today in the mirror. Dysphoria is the voice that tells me I will never amount to anything or become the person I was created to be. It is the one that reminds me I am trapped within this body, it reminds me I am forced to live in this skin.
 
   Do you know what it is like to dream you were born in a different body? Do you know how it feels to be told "you are wrong" for simply trying to be yourself? Have you ever wished you could ask God just once "why." I do. I know what it's like to grow up in a body that belongs to someone else. I know what it's like to lay awake in my bed, close my eyes and pray to God this nightmare is over, but each day I open my eyes and realize it's not...not yet

   The older i get the more I learn it's time to take a stand. time to become the person I was meant to be. I have been held back by fear for many years. Fear of abandonment by my friends and family, fear of acceptance in society, fear of change. I can no longer be afraid. Being a transgendered person is not easy. Being forced to conform to society for fear of being the target of the next hate crime is hard. Does it really have to be part of life?

  Have you ever been afraid to use a public restroom? How about shop in a certain section of a clothing store? Have you ever been called a queer or a faggot because people can't figure out what gender you are? I have....Society is taught that all things and people are different. They have also been taught that different is dangerous. Am I dangerous because I am different? No, I am the same person I have always been. My body is just slowly becoming what I have always dreamed of.

 This next week will mark the stepping stones to the beginning of my transition. Doctors appointments will be made and I will learn in what direction I must take my next step. People ask me if I'm scared, to the them I say no. I am excited and nervous. Nervous to see what changes my body will experience and excited to finally be molded into the person I was created to be. With the knowledge I have acquired and the support I have received I am ready to hit the ground running. Stay tuned, this is were the fun begins.

Until next time...Love and Peace

~Jason~

Support and Questions

Wow, let me first say that the last few days have been interesting to say the least. I have had an out pour of support like I never thought possible. There were even people I expect to leave me that have stood by my side and said they are here for me. At this point I have only had one person walk away and decide she can't watch me take this path in life...To her I say I love you and always will but it's time for me to be comfortable in my own skin and become the person I have always dreamed of being.

My family has been amazing so far. I have had conversations with my sisters, my mother, my brother and my cousins. All seem to be very supportive at this point. I am sure there will be many more questions to answer down the road but for now they seem to be understanding

My friends have been amazing as well. They have given me reasources to look into, phone numbers to call and support groups to attend. Those I will be looking into shortly. I know I still have many questions myself but as each day passes I learn more and more about this "new world" to me and I get more and more excited about the changes that will soon happen.

The most amazing support has been my partner Crystal. When I first told her about this decision we sat and talked. At first she didn't quit understand and sometimes she still doesn't, but we take the time to sit and talk and work through this together. we have our moments but we work to understand each others side and view before choosing to argue. She has chosen to stand by my side through this process and be my rock when times get rough. I couldn't ask for more. She too has a lot of fears and questions but together we are working through them and excited about the future we will share together

So let me give you an example of some of the questions I have received and maybe they will answer some of the ones you have...

1.) What made you decide to make this transition?
    I have known for a while now that I am "different," I have always been unhappy with my body for various reasons and the more I learn about this "transgendered world" to more I begin to realize there are so many people out there who understand me more than I thought. I am ready to be comfortable in my own skin.

2.) Are you scared of the changes that will happen?
   No, I am excited for the changes my body will go through. I am hesitant and working to make sure I find the right doctors and take the right percautions so that this transition is done safely but I have been ensured that as long as I follow the doctors rules I will be ok.

3.) Are you going to take hormones?
  Yes, once I find the right doctor and the right blood work is done to find out how high my testosterone level already is, I will know what hormones I need, how much I will need to take and how often.

4.) What will the hormones do to you?
  The hormones will change the structure of my face, the amount of muscle mass that covers my body(so yes ladies and gentelmen I will finally gain some weight  most likely lol). The hormones will also change my voice as it will get deeper. I will also over time have more growth of hair on various parts of my body including my face, neck and back. So these hormones will basically send me into puberty all over again, just the "male" verison. I am also told I will lose my "monthly cycle" WOOT WOOT, and it will effect my sex drive(that could be interesting) =0)...No the hormones will not cause my to grow taller or anything like that. and no I will not grow a "penis" for those of you curious about that one

5.) Are you going to have any of the surgeries?
  Yes, not right away as they are expensive and also need to be further researched. I will most likely have the "top surgery" first which will be the removal of my breast tissue. That one I am most excited about because I have never liked having breasts anyway. I will also hopefully be able to have a hysterectomy to remove my "female reproductive organs." As far as "bottom surgery" goes that one is still being well thought out and will take years before making that decision. There is not enough advanced technology here in the states yet for that surgery. If I were to have that surgery done I would at this point say it would be the very last step in my transition and that will be years from now.

6.) When should I start calling you Jason and not Amber?
  That one I am for the most part leaving up to everyone else for now. For some it is hard to see me as Jason and not Amber. That is a comfort level for each and every person that I respect. This transition is new and it would be wrong of me to ask people to automatically change because of the choices I am making. I have chosen to begin going by Jason now and would like to slowly and eventually go by Jason always but again that is a comfort level some have not reached yet and that is ok. When I legally change my name I will no longer go by Amber at all, but that step is still a few month away.

7.) Will the hormones change who you are?
  No, the hormones will change my physical appearance but the person I am on the inside will still be the same. I will just grow more confident in myself because I will finally be happy with the skin I am forced to live in everyday.



Those are just a few of the examples of questions I have been asked up to this point and I am sure there are more to come. Change always brings questions and I am ok with that. Like I said before I am open to any and all questions. I am not afraid to answer them and am actually glad people are comfortable enough with me as a person to ask them.

From the bottom of my heart I am grateful for all of the support I have gotten in the choice to make this transition. I can not say enough how grateful I am to have the people in my life that I do. You all mean the world to me.

until next time....love and peace

~Jason~

Welcome

Welcome to my journey and thank you for joining me. Like it says above the purpose of this blog is to document my transition and the things I learn from it. On November 3rd (yes 4 short days ago) I "came out" to my family and friends "again" but this time it was to tell them that I am transgendered and have decided to begin the long process of transitioning. This began with the changing of my name. Now every Female that transitions to a male starts at a different point. That just happened to be mine. The last few days have been interesting to say the least. I have had an out pour of support from many of my friends and family. I have begun to answer questions that I knew people would have. I have also said good bye to a few people that just couldn't support my decision. A lot of things lead up to this point....so here's a little about that

On September 10th 1986 I was born Amber Lynn Gilliam. As a small child I felt like I was born into the "wrong body." I never knew exactly how to explain it or how to make people understand, so for a long time I just kept it quiet. I am learning more and more as I go along in life that if I am ever going to be completely happy with who I am then I need to become the person I have always dreamt of being.

As a small child my family knew I was a little "different" from the other girls in the family. I had no interest in dolls, barbies, tea parties or fake kitchens. My life revolved around sports, little green army men, bmx bikes and football cards.(let me tell you I still to this day have quite the collection) When I was younger I didn't understand why I was different, why couldn't I be a boy. I was told I needed to be "lady like" and learn to play with the girls more instead of chase them around with foam swords and plastic bats. I dreaded Easter because it meant ugly uncomfortable dresses and the curling of my hair.

As I got older and I began to "date", I won't lie I played the "straight card" mainly to please my family, but was never happy. Being with a man was more like having a best buddy that I called my boyfriend. I had a total of 3 boyfriends my entire life. When I met my first girlfriend, the world finally began to make sense. I began to understand what love was suppose to feel like. It was different then being with a man, it was natural. I began to understand things about myself but had no one to talk to about it. You have to understand I come from a "Christian" family and to tell your family that you are gay or uncomfortable in your own body is out of the question. It's NOT acceptable under any circumstances. So I hid my first relationship for as long as I could. My mother found out about it, because of a journal I kept. Let me tell you that conversation was not a good one.

Immediately I was taken to church, prayed for and sat down in front of my youth group leader's wife. I was forced to tell her about this lifestyle I had "chosen" and then I was forced to listen as she told me I would go to hell for my decision. I was told that God was not happy with me and that if something didn't change I was going to wind up destroying my life..Really?!? A few days later I was approached by the assistant pastor of the church and asked to step down from my leadership position, the dance team and not to return to his church. So I left.

I always wondered if there was anywhere I would be accepted. I wasn't accept at home, or at church. Being openly gay in high school was not easy as I'm sure many of you know. So I kept it from most of my friends. My junior year is when I really started to let it out. I just didn't care anymore and I was gunna let the world know about it. I joined the gay~straight alliance at my high school, I learned about gay rights, I found a place I would be accepted.

Shortly after I graduated high school I move to San Diego, CA. I lived there for 3 years and had a blast doing it. Everyone there knew me as the "little butch" chick in the neighborhood, but they accepted me. I made many friends that I still carry with me today...In the summer of 2008 I went to my first gay pride festival. I was in shock, how could it be that all these years I'd struggled to be open in public with who I was as a person and these people had a party to celebrate it?!? I was in my own form of Heaven..

In September 2008 I moved to my current home of Tucson, AZ. I quickly learned about the LGBT community here and wanted to know how to get involved. I joined the Tucson Gay Pride Board in November of 2009. I currently serve as a board member in charge of security and logistics. We aren't the biggest board in the world but we make things happen that is for sure.

It wasn't until the last few months that I really started to reach out and ask questions about the "transgendered" community. I began to do a little research here and there but never really dug in very deep. I recently met a new friend and the more I talked to him the more I realized I related to him a lot more than I thought. He too is transitioning from female to male and for once in my life I have someone who understands me. I am grateful to have a Friend willing to help mentor me along in this process. I have much to learn and as the changes begin to happen I'm sure I will have many questions to ask. I only hope that my experience allows me to answer the questions other people keep tucked away for fear of being judged.

I want each and everyone one of you that reads this to know this is a safe place. A place to come ask and discuss the things closest to us. This is a hate free zone and I intend to keep it that way. We all need people that understand us in life, I only hope you find those people here and that you find answers in the words of my blogs. My writing comes from the deepest part of my heart and is meant to encourage, educate and enlighten those around me.

So once again welcome to my journey to becoming me...thank you for joining the adventure.

~Jason~